"La Belle et La Bete" Guinevere Van Seenus photographed by Mert & Marcus for W 2004

Alternate version of the shirt design I did for Power Trip last year. Hammer of doubt!


So things started to get “intimate” between an old friend and I. and i didn’t mind being friendly and i didn’t mind talking on occasions, but three nights ago things started to get deeper and deeper without me inflicting or even encouraging the situation. I have explained to him, that I’m not like that, so send explicit photos or have sex with him especially after 3 days of talking. and i would rather a serious relationship, due to the fact that i have no time for silly little sexual encounters, and taking my precious time away that i can spend on doing assignments, family and life. i also explained that I’m not really looking for anything intimate myself and id rather just focus on me. I explained i wouldn’t do those things unless i was in a relationship (when i said relationship, i was thinking of that thing where the feelings were mutual, dates, actually getting to know each other, you know the usual..) so all of a sudden he started calling me his girlfriend and all that junk. i didn’t know whether i was oblivious or he was being serious… this continued for a day i guess. and all he’d ever want is naked photos and sexual talks. me being me, was getting defensive and annoyed. i then tried to sort things out by saying that i didn’t want to have anything to do with him and especially with anything sexual or intimate. The truth that i was oblivious to was that; he was looking for a sexual partner and he also had no time for a relationship. he only called me his “girlfriend” and set up a petty fake relationship with me to only get what he wanted. i could’ve guessed though. he wasn’t interested in me, he didn’t ever ask about how my day was, what i want to do in the future or what i was interested in. i also could’ve guessed through the fact he’s probably going through puberty and doesn’t know how to handle his sexual desires. 

don’t get me wrong guys, i am in no way butthurt about this situation, but it got me thinking. i was more or so interested in what i gained through this. i was literally playing on the whole time, giving really short replies or showing no interest at all.. 

anyway, what it got me thinking about was interesting. through various factors we are taught that there is many (expected and met) criterions in a relationship, such as dates, gifts, etc. all to gain ones naked bare body next to yours. i begun to question whether if i expected a lot or if i did the right thing… he was a young boy as well and misused the word love, and misunderstood the concept of a relationship, well through my perspective. maybe as a girl growing up, thats the attitude i expected for guys to not have and look down upon it. or maybe he was doing things right? short, sharp, and to the point. no blurs (such as dates etc) and to the point (straight to the bedroom) and I’m doing it wrong? maybe I’m making myself delusional over the presented idea of a relationship? Through the past (unofficial) relationships i had i always was really butthurt after being dumped or dumping someone especially after having sexual intercourse. and before hand, Id be delusional over their promise as a partner, and what they did to me and at the end everything contradicted and got me in an emotional/ mental loop questioning everything. 

i was never a relationship person and all i have encountered was either sex or petty crushes. I’ve never felt much emotion towards another, but after time i gained some attitude or belief that if i were to reserve myself for someone and took time (like the mainstream trend of relationships) i would find someone worth keeping. but now I’m questioning that, is that what i really want or something set in my head? what influenced me? friends and their relationships? peers? 
or am i exactly like my dad? black and white. where its either nothing or everything? 

personally, I’m just going with the flow, I’m not looking for anything. just taking whatever comes at me. but hey, these are the things that just run through my mind neutrally, i don’t have a sense of right and wrong anymore because of this.

reflections on what i literally just experienced.

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Salzburg is a “pleasant little town” that is “one of the truly European cities still left.”

Traci Lords in Cry-Baby (1990)
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